Emotional Numbness

There is a point, when a person feels such extreme emotions, that the ability to feel emotion at all is temporarily lost. One can try to explain it through neuroscience, theorizing the synapses have gone through a chemical exertion, leaving parts of the brain non-functional, or use psychology to state the come back leaves a person confused without a reference point that is comparable. Think of a time when your hand received a shock, similar to when you strike a metal pipe against a hard surface. You lost sensation for a short period of time, except for a weird kind of pain. This is a numbness I have felt a few times before.

Before moving to the Faroe Islands, I visited several times before to see my children. It always is emotional, because I never really want to leave. Because I am scared of what I will miss when I do leave. I never really have any sort of comfort, so I am on my own with my emotions. When I was in a relationship, it was expected I dealt with my own problems. For the longest time, I put that down to Scandinavia, but that is besides the point. When you have no one to help you own, when you do become emotionally numb, you will be lost. Coming back, the first emotions I felt were all cold. I didn't have much of a plan ahead of me day to day.

One the return from one trip to the Islands to see my children, on the train home, I admitted to being emotionally numb, and the reaction I saw from her was, in hindsight, shocking. At the time, I had only my intellectual capacities to tell me what I should or should not feel. Her messages to me did not have much emotional impact. I just could not recognize any feeling of caring inside me. Of course after a few hours and some sleep, I was able to answer back, but I doubt any words from my side could explain how I was feeling to someone who hasn't felt the same. The emotional numbness lead to a deeper depression than before.

The ability to continue after feeling numb and the following let down is something I suspect is rare. It is a spiral, where my isolation lead to jealousy, which lead to anger and mistrust. People who can interrupt that spiral, even temporarily, are well equipped to handle stressful situations over long periods of time. I do not know if they can psyk themselves into feeling happy, but it is still an interesting feat of emotional maturity. Still, I will avoid numbness in the future and currently seek people who can catch my fall if I ever do so again.

- Servus