There is a point, when a person feels such extreme emotions, that the ability to feel emotion at all is temporarily lost. One can try to explain it through neuroscience, theorizing the synapses have gone through a chemical exertion, leaving parts of the brain non-functional, or use psychology to state the come back leaves a person confused without a reference point that is comparable. Think of a time when your hand received a shock, similar to when you strike a metal pipe against a hard surface. You lost sensation for a short period of time, except for a weird kind of pain. This is a numbness I have felt a few times before.
Before moving to the Faroe Islands, I visited several times before to see my children. It always is emotional, because I never really want to leave. Because I am scared of what I will miss when I do leave. I never really have any sort of comfort, so I am on my own with my emotions. When I was in a relationship, it was expected I dealt with my own problems. For the longest time, I put that down to Scandinavia, but that is besides the point. When you have no one to help you own, when you do become emotionally numb, you will be lost. Coming back, the first emotions I felt were all cold. I didn't have much of a plan ahead of me day to day.
One the return from one trip to the Islands to see my children, on the train home, I admitted to being emotionally numb, and the reaction I saw from her was, in hindsight, shocking. At the time, I had only my intellectual capacities to tell me what I should or should not feel. Her messages to me did not have much emotional impact. I just could not recognize any feeling of caring inside me. Of course after a few hours and some sleep, I was able to answer back, but I doubt any words from my side could explain how I was feeling to someone who hasn't felt the same. The emotional numbness lead to a deeper depression than before.
The ability to continue after feeling numb and the following let down is something I suspect is rare. It is a spiral, where my isolation lead to jealousy, which lead to anger and mistrust. People who can interrupt that spiral, even temporarily, are well equipped to handle stressful situations over long periods of time. I do not know if they can psyk themselves into feeling happy, but it is still an interesting feat of emotional maturity. Still, I will avoid numbness in the future and currently seek people who can catch my fall if I ever do so again.
- Servus
Friday, August 3, 2012
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Taking Photos
I at one point had a ton of photos from IPC on a digital camera. Funny thing is, it made it far too easy to loose the picture. A hard drive dies. Technology moves on. Early image storage services died out. Services close. When you upload a photo that is important to you to a service online, you expect the service to last a life time. I was taught differently when I kept photos of my first born son in my inbox. I thought it would be there for life. I was wrong about that though and in the end, the only photos of my oldest child right after birth are lost. So is a story of my stay at IPC, including that of a rubber chicken.
But photographs are not the only place where images are stored. I still remember those photos of my son and hope I always will have a clear memory of them. If I do not, I still cannot complain. We may live in a time where taking photographs is as simple as pointing your phone at something, but there was a time when we only had our memories, when photographs weren't even a luxury item. It is because of how short lived documents can be, notes written in class, pictures of that night out or letters from the president, that I do not do much to create these documents in the first place, but they still have a certain power to bring a shard of a memory to others.
When my dad was dying in 2009, I rushed to his bed side and took with me the pictures I had of my children. I printed them out at a local shop from my USB stick. He had never seen them before and I regret that. I honestly do. I did what I could and showed my dad pictures, a facsimile of a memory, a point in time, for him to at least see what they look like. The regrets I feel still haunt me to this day, but at least he had this small consultation. But the expression on his face, his honest interest in my children, told me more about my dad than I had learned in the seven years I had been away.
Documents can provide a common ground, something for people to connect with. It can be a photograph of loved ones, or it can be a story of fantasy, allowing people to loose themselves, together, in a world that doesn't exist anywhere else. The expression 'You had to be there' only states there is a lack of common experience, a valley in between two people, but a photograph can create a bridge between two people who would never see eye to eye without it.
Photographs in the news have become more violent and actual, as people document what is happening around them. Dictators and government may seek to control the distribution of these pictures, to prevent any common ground forming between opposition to a regime or policy. Propaganda, an attempt in political manipulations, is an age old tactic in politics. In times of war, looses are under reported. Unpopular acts are suppressed. The image of the good guy fighting for everything right against the worst depiction of the enemy possible is shown repeatedly. Free distribution of images is the strongest possible counter measure to such propaganda, undermining the intent of those who seek to control your opinion. It is because of the strength of these images, that dictators fear the camera-man, the writer, the newspaper and broadcaster. It can lead to understanding and common ground between those who support the government and those the government opposes. It can lead to peace.
But photographs are not the only place where images are stored. I still remember those photos of my son and hope I always will have a clear memory of them. If I do not, I still cannot complain. We may live in a time where taking photographs is as simple as pointing your phone at something, but there was a time when we only had our memories, when photographs weren't even a luxury item. It is because of how short lived documents can be, notes written in class, pictures of that night out or letters from the president, that I do not do much to create these documents in the first place, but they still have a certain power to bring a shard of a memory to others.
When my dad was dying in 2009, I rushed to his bed side and took with me the pictures I had of my children. I printed them out at a local shop from my USB stick. He had never seen them before and I regret that. I honestly do. I did what I could and showed my dad pictures, a facsimile of a memory, a point in time, for him to at least see what they look like. The regrets I feel still haunt me to this day, but at least he had this small consultation. But the expression on his face, his honest interest in my children, told me more about my dad than I had learned in the seven years I had been away.
Documents can provide a common ground, something for people to connect with. It can be a photograph of loved ones, or it can be a story of fantasy, allowing people to loose themselves, together, in a world that doesn't exist anywhere else. The expression 'You had to be there' only states there is a lack of common experience, a valley in between two people, but a photograph can create a bridge between two people who would never see eye to eye without it.
Photographs in the news have become more violent and actual, as people document what is happening around them. Dictators and government may seek to control the distribution of these pictures, to prevent any common ground forming between opposition to a regime or policy. Propaganda, an attempt in political manipulations, is an age old tactic in politics. In times of war, looses are under reported. Unpopular acts are suppressed. The image of the good guy fighting for everything right against the worst depiction of the enemy possible is shown repeatedly. Free distribution of images is the strongest possible counter measure to such propaganda, undermining the intent of those who seek to control your opinion. It is because of the strength of these images, that dictators fear the camera-man, the writer, the newspaper and broadcaster. It can lead to understanding and common ground between those who support the government and those the government opposes. It can lead to peace.
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